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Food for thought

Posted by marriedflirt on 2007.04.06 at 22:14
"Solitude is the sense of space as nourishing. What usually happens with solitude is that people equate it with loneliness, which frightens them. But I don't know anyone who has a good friendship or love relationship in which there are not long periods of solitude. There is a way in which we treat our relationships almost like a colonial expedition: we want to colonize the space, all the territory in between, until there is no wilderness left. Most couples who have deadend in each other's presence have colonized their space this way. They have domesticated each other beyond recognition...I think it is more interesting to be with somebody who still has his wilderness territory--and by that I don't mean bleak, burned-out, damaged areas where wounding has occurred; rather, I mean genuine wilderness." 

--John O'Donohue 


Hmmm. I think a lot of my wilderness area has been colonized. Not all of it. Maybe only half. But in another 10 years, who knows? 

Time to start planting some trees...

That's what I'm talkin' about!

Posted by marriedflirt on 2007.01.31 at 17:35
Here's a good article on being a married flirt!

Hi

Posted by backupsecrets on 2006.11.19 at 02:21
I am happy to have found this community. It is exactly what I need right now..

I just hope it can get a bit more active now I am here!!..

I have been married for a very short time now, although I have been with my hubby for many years. I love flirting, it's the greatest feeling in the world. I have a flirt buddy (who my hubby doesn't know about - as he considers flirting as cheating). I love drama - I used to be in plays - due to the flirt factor (as mentioned in one of the posts I have read here) but had to leave becaue Hubby got jealous.

He NEVER goes out. He NEVER flirts. I can't even get him to go out with his male mates so I can get some time alone.

Well about my flirt buddy: I've met this guy. He is hotalishous!! I want him bad... but only to flirt. I've told him right from the start what he can expect. I said I may one day kiss him.. if I can figure out a way in my mind that makes it ok to, but in likely hood, he was going to get teased with no action. He's ok with that, and we've been having a fantastic, steamy, emotional relationship - with no physical contact what so ever..

But due to the restrictions put on by my hubby - I am wanting more... Ahhhh

Sex and the City

Posted by marriedflirt on 2006.07.06 at 20:40
So guess what? I’m going to New York City at the end of August. TOTALLY ALONE. No husband. Do you know the insane opportunities I am going to have for FLIRTING in that city?!?!

How did I swing this, you ask? Well, it wasn't easy.

Here's the story: A friend is getting married and a couple in NYC that we know offered to let us stay with them. I automatically assumed my man wouldn't want to go as the last time we hung out with this same couple they behaved like assholes and my husband said he was totally done with them. Forever. Basically they were now dead to him.

But then, when I told my man that I was going to this wedding, alone, he flipped out! So I explained to him that I was staying with the "asshole" couple and I didn't want him to come because I didn't want to have to deal with the weirdness between him and them. So he tells me that he is "over it". Yes, suddenly, the despised couple whom he has hated and refused to talk to for over 3 years were no longer "dead" to him. Miraculous!

I felt so frustrated! So I constructed my Argument. Here were my points:

1. Don'’t tell me there won't be weirdness, you know their will be and I just don't want to deal with it.

2. Don't tell me it's not fair for me to go to NYC without you because we've never been before as this is NOT a trip about seeing NYC. I will be there for only 3 days one of which is at a wedding. This is a trip about me seeing all my old friends and I want to focus on that, not sight seeing.

3. It's double the money if we both go ($1000 bucks just for the air fare) and I really didn't want to spend that much on a measly 3 day trip. I'd rather just not go then.

That was pretty much it. I think they were good strong points but he wasn't having any of it! He said it was weird for me to want to go alone.

Finally, you know what I did? I just told him the plain truth. Or the TRUTH behind the truth, because all of what I said above is true. But the TRUTH is, that in the deepest part of my soul I have been wanting to go on a trip alone for the longest time. That I think it is good to go on a trip by yourself sometimes.

Example: When we go camping together I totally rely on him to do all the "man" stuff. But one time I went camping without him, just with some friends (he had to work) and I was amazed at what a mountain woman I became. I hauled all my gear alone, I set up my own tent, I rowed everyone around the entire lake—I totally was empowered. I never forgot that. It made me realize that sometimes we are different people alone than in a couple, and that it is important every once in a while to revisit that person. But, I told him, in tears, every time I ever mention wanting to go on a road trip or something by myself, you totally guilt me out of it or try to make me think it's too dangerous for a woman alone! I told him it was making me feel smothered and resentful.

And you know what? He totally got it. He relented. He's letting me go alone without a fight.

Of course now he says HE is going to go on a solo trip TOO. Ha! Men are such babies.

Anyway.

Me. Solo. Big Apple.

Watch out.

Musings on monogamy

Posted by marriedflirt on 2006.06.14 at 15:44
Sometimes I wonder if I settled for something too conventional on the whole marriage/monogamy thing.

We just sold two houses to a married couple who don't live together.

I know another couple who have the same thing going on: They each have a kid from different marriages, and two separate houses. They only "sleep-over" when they are having sex. And apparently the sex is awesome.

The other day I wanted to ask my hubby a question: would he ever be into letting me make out with another man (not actual sex) if the result of that was I wanted to have sex with HIM more. Because after 13 years together, you tend not to have sex as much, which is fine. I love my husband. I love that one of us could be a quadraplegic and we'd still totally want to be together. But I was just thinking about what kinds of things might help "jump start" my inner sexual energy beyond just flirting. I mean, flirting works, but a lot of times you are hampered by the fact that you can't really DO anything with the other person and I hate coming off as a total tease.

I didn't ask him though, becuase I already know the answer: NO WAY IN HELL. He's very sensitive about cheating. For years he had nightmares about me cheating on him. Reading this journal you probably can imagine why. I would never though. It IS in my nature to do it, but, not counting the fact that it would KILL me to hurt him, I also consider being faithful to my man as part of my spiritual journey in this lifetime. Luckily I believe in reincarnation, because I am hoping that if I'm very good in this life, in my next life I'm going to get to have a TON of AWESOME SEX with lots of different beautiful men with zero guilt or diseases!

Oh, and don't ask about if he might be into or okay with watching or having a threesome. Neither of us are into that. I had too many situations in my life where I was asked to be the "guest artist" and it's never ended up being a good thing for the couple. I always refused, mind you, but even the act of asking created jealousy and weirdness--I can only imagine what would happen if I actually went through with it. And I can tell you right now that I would not enjoy watching my man sleep with another woman. The thought sort of makes me ill.

So I guess I'll just have to stick with flirting, which I have had zero time for in the past 2 weeks. Flirting takes energy and effort! Sometimes I'm just too tired to deal with it. I've kind of half heartedly tried to get the attention of a boy in the play I am in. I say boy, becuase he actually is still in high school. If I was ever actually with him I think I could be arrested. But he is SOOOO cute. I want him to want me. The "older woman". (Hey I can still pass for 25 so it's not THAT much of a stretch!) I have had a few positive signs. He's attempted to speak with me. Of course what do I have to say to a high schooler? We are in totally different worlds. The guy in the play who is actually my romantic lead has been growing on me a little too. He's not really cute at all, but he's an awesome actor and we really click together on stage. I guess I'm starting to feel some stage love for him. Good acting is a powerful aphrodisiac.


Summer fashion

Posted by marriedflirt on 2006.05.30 at 22:40
Ladies, if you have not yet discovered the power of a skirt, tanned bare legs, and sandals you must immediately do so.

I only just started wearing skirts last summer. Before that I was always a tomboy sort of girl. I lived in low rise jeans and baby tees. Then one day I started noticing I wasn't looking so hot in this get-up. I was older and my metabolism had slowed down. Suddenly after 30 years, my body had started getting, uh, curvy. So I consulted a fashion expert.

The fashion expert was my friend K. Now, K. puts a lot of thought into these matters and she explained to me that once your metabolism starts slowing down you HAVE to start dressing like a woman. The tomboy look is fine for when you have a boyish figure--but skirts and dresses are made for a body with curves, and once you start getting--er, more voluptuous, you shouldn't fight it: you should WORK it.

So I started wearing skirts. (Not mini skirts. God no--The point was to cover my thighs!) But not long hippie skirts either. No, skirts that hit right around the knee, with bare (tanned!) legs and sexy little sandals usually with a low heel. And I've noticed something: Men cannot keep their eyes off the legs! It's like an uncontrollable impulse. It's actually kind of funny. Sometimes at work, when I'm wearing the whole skirt en-sem and I have to lead a male client to my bosses' office, I will peek back behind me, and, yup, their eyes are totally on the legs.

I listened to an interview once about a woman who had a sex change (to male) and the first thing she had to do was start getting injections of testosterone. It was really interesting hearing her describe the emotional (not physical) changes she went through. One of the changes she mentioned was that suddenly she was getting massively turned on by, like, body parts. Even ankles. She was saying, before the testosterone injections, she would look at another woman and think 'oh, she looks interesting, I'd like to talk to her, get to know her better' but after the testosterone it was like she'd just look at some body part on a woman, she didn't even have to be her type, and suddenly just totally want to fuck her. There was nothing mental about it--it was all just visual.

After hearing that, I felt like I had some insight into what makes men tick. They really are different creatures from us. Their hormones make them behave like assholes. Poor things, they can't help themselves. Can we blame them for this? (Well, yes, we can, in fact, we do, and some behaviors cannot be condoned, but hey, we can still have a little fun exploiting their weaknesses, right? )

So, anyway, all this skirt talk is leading up to: Last Friday I went to lunch by myself. I was working the skirt thing. The waiter was very attentive and brought me a free appetizer because he said 'my food was going to take longer than usual'--it didn't, in fact it came right out. Then when I was done he asked me if I wanted dessert. I said no, but a second later he comes back with a big ass cookie and says 'I insist you have something' in this really husky bedroom voice. And that was free too. So I ate my cookie, paid up, gave him a really nice tip, and that was that. So why all the special attention? I'm telling you--IT WAS THE SKIRT. I KNOW THESE THINGS.

WEAR THE SKIRT.

The plays the thing

Posted by marriedflirt on 2006.05.26 at 09:44
Being in a play is the best for flirting.

In fact, being in a play was instrumental to the initial development of my "flirting outside of marriage is a good thing" philosophy.

At the time, I had been married for about 3 years and although I was happy and content I noticed that I had slacked off quite a bit on my appearance. I will admit, for a while this felt very freeing--it was nice to not have to make an effort to look good 24-7, but now I know their should be a balance.

Then I got cast in this play. The first day I immediately developed a crush on one of the other actors. Suddenly I found myself caring about how looked again. But more than that I felt alive, energized, and excited about my day. I began my flirting campaign and soon I had him crushing back, in spite of the fact that I was married and he had a girlfriend. Every scene we performed on stage crackled with sexual energy and the audience loved us.

So what happened with him, you ask?

Well, nothing. The show finally ended and we went on our merry ways. This is the best part of flirting in a play situation--there is a built in expiration date, so things don't get out of hand.

Not all plays provide suitable candidates for flirting, but I did manage another campaign 2 years later. This time it was even more fun than the first. I was older, wiser and had more of a handle on what I was trying to ultimately achieve--nothing--so there was zero guilt. This time I was also emotionally detached enough to notice certain things, such as, I could never EVER actually be in a real relationship with this person, but for a brief, energizing, flirting encounter he was perfect.

Once again, the play ended and the flirtation was over due to lack of input. A year later I was in another play with him that my husband also was involved in--so now we are all great friends!

Speaking of that particular show, surprisingly, up til then, I had never been in a play where I had to kiss someone more than a peck. This one involved MAJOR macking and my co-star was a married friend of mine who also happened to be very attractive. In that situation, I did not out and out flirt as I was good friends with him, his wife and of course my husband was hanging around as well. But I will say that I fully enjoyed the opportunity to kiss a brand new man. My ultimate goal was to see if I could make him lose control enough to slip me some toungue. Never happened, but ahh, those were fun times.

Do you see now why being in a play is the BEST THING EVER for a married gal? In what other situation do you think you can kiss someone who is not your husband and instead of "cheating" it's called "art"?

Can high maintenance be a turn on?

Posted by marriedflirt on 2006.05.23 at 23:05
So this morning I was getting breakfast in a cafe when I saw this absolutely stunning looking guy. My first impulse was to see if I could catch his eye, but I immediately stopped myself. First of all, he looked like the kind of guy who is into granola types. He had long golden brown hair in a pony tail and was dressed sort of outdoorsy. Since I was going to work I was all done up in full make-up, business attire, heels, and my hair was pulled back in a severe "professional" updo. In short, I felt that everything about me screamed "high maintenance". Definitely not this guys type, right? So why bother?

I sat at a table and ate breakfast and typed on my laptop for a while. Then when I was done I packed up and headed to the bathroom. And there was the guy sitting at another table and he totally just smiled REALLY BIG at me. I was taken aback. I don't remember if I smiled back or not. When I came out he was gone.

So I headed to my car and he was getting into his truck which just happened to be parked right across from me. Once again, he just totally GRINS at me, like "HI!" This time I did smile back, shook my head a little, and we both drove off.

That's it.

Here's the thing that it got me thinking about through. I am way into these outdoorsy type of dudes and I have always assumed that the only type of gal they'd ever be into is a hippie chick. And whatever, I can do hippie chick. If I wanted to pursue this guy my next move may have been something like showing up again at the cafe totally granola-ed out and see if I could get his attention that way. It never occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, a guy like that might harbor some secret fantasies about a Sex in the City type power career chick. Maybe he thinks that's fierce or something.

Suddenly I'm thinking of going back looking even MORE high maintenance. Maybe I'll talk on my cell and bang my Palm around a bit. I don't know. This is like a totally new and freeing concept for me, because, let's face it, I have to look a certain way for work, and though I can camp out and hike with the best of them, 5 days a week from 8-6 I am looking pretty professional. Up til now I've always turned off my "come hither" vibe figureing these laid back types would turn up their noses. But now that I think about it, granola gals are a dime a dozen in this town. Maybe these guys are pining for a girl with long painted nails and an $80 haircut. That's what I'm gonna start telling myself anyway from now on. I'll let you know how it goes.

Welcome to Married and Flirting!

Posted by marriedflirt on 2006.05.23 at 22:42
Welcome!

I created this community because I believe it is a good thing to continue to flirt after you are married. I believe it keeps you feeling alive and sexually attractive--this can only be a good thing for your partner!

However, I have found that a lot of folks (especially single folks!) do not understand this way of looking at flirting after marriage. I think this is because single people have idealized and romanticized versions of what their eventual marriage will be like (still having sex 3x a day on the kitchen counter after 25 years!).

Thus I often find I have no one who is nonjudgmental to discuss my flirting escapades with. That's what this community is for. It is also for talking about your thoughts regarding flirting after marriage and a place to confess when things go a little too far.

There is no judgment in this community.